Just what did you expect?
by Writing bunny
Summary: Warning: Female Naruto. Whoever got the bright idea to send a pretty girl on a three-years trip with a Super-Pervert?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** Happy April Fool's day! I decided to celebrate it by presenting you another short oneshot trying to be funny. Please understand this is just a joke.

**Warning: **Female Naruto story

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. If you think otherwise, you are even more guillible than some characters in this story.

**Just what did you expect?**

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Tsunade needed a drink. She knew it the moment the two walked into her office. Unfortunately Shizune had hidden her whole stash earlier today, threatening she wouldn't give it back until she finished her paperwork. Looking at the heaps of papers covering her table, the female Sannin didn't think it would be anytime soon, if ever. She was tempted to simply walk up to Shizune and shake her until she gave up the key. Or she could simply order her to. Who was the Hokage anyway? She or her assistant?

She cut off such useless train of thought. She had more pressing matters to attend, namely the two shinobi standing in her office. They seemed perfectly impassive and collected, but Tsunade wasn't a Hokage for nothing and she could see the tension and anxiety in the both of them. It was a very unusual state for both of them to be. It meant they had caused some major trouble and it was about to come back and bite everybody around in their collective behind. It meant she really needed a drink. Knowing those two, whatever they were about to tell her would threaten her sanity unless she wrapped it in protective cocoon of alcohol. And Shizune had to choose today to hide her sake…

"So what is it," she asked exasperatedly, already feeling the first twinges of the headache the duo of doom would undoubtedly give her. The two looked at each other, daring the other to start. It didn't seem like anybody would. When the silence dragged on too long, the shorter of the two figures withdrew a scroll from her pouch and handed it to the Hokage. The Legendary Medic opened it and scanned through it. She immediately regretted getting up in the morning. Maybe if she drank enough sake she would forget what was written there… but no, that damned Shizune confiscated her booze just when she needed it the most. The headache was now a given.

"What is the meaning of this, Jiraiya," she asked in a low tone, her honey eyes hard and cold.

"Well, hime, it's like that…" the big man scratched his head nervously.

"Like what," she prodded, her tone calm like the quiet before the storm, or more likely a hurricane. "I trust you with the wellbeing of my little sister, let you go around with her for training, and you let this happen?"

"Hold your horses, Tsunade-hime. I can explain," the white-haired man said.

"You better," his old teammate replied. Or else was left unsaid, but Jiraiya heard it anyway.

"It's not his fault, baa-chan," the younger kunoichi rushed to his aid. She hit the Hokage with her most powerful weapon, the dreaded Puppy Dog Eyes. It looked especially cute on her whiskered face. The blonde Sannin felt a bit of her anger dissipating, but only a bit.

"Oh," the older woman raised her eyebrow. "And just how it isn't his fault?"

"He was explaining me the facts of life… and then it somehow turned into a practical demonstration…"

"And that is an excuse for him getting you pregnant?"

"Well," the young mother-to-be shrugged, "you sent a Super-Pervert on three-year trip with a pretty girl," she pointed to herself. "Just what did you expect?"

* * *

A.N.: So what do you say? I might even write a sequel if you like it and if I feel like it.


	2. Chapter 2

A.N.: The long-awaited sequel is finally here!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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**Just what did you expect?**

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"Hello! Iruka-sensei!" The Academy teacher was suddenly assaulted by a blur of orange and gold and smothered in a bone-crushing hug. It took him half a minute to reorient himself and realize what happened.

"Naruto! You're back!" he exclaimed joyfully.

"So glad to see you again!"

"Me too, but," the chuunin gasped, "can you release me now? I can't breathe."

"What? Ah, oh, sorry!" the girl squeaked loosening her hold on him.

"That's better. You've certainly grown strong. And tall and pretty, too."

"Why? Thank you," the kunoichi blushed.

"And polite?" Iruka raised his eyebrows. "Is it really you, Naruto, or were you replaced by an impostor?"

"I'm hurt," the girl pouted. "Why is it so hard to believe I can be nice?"

"Because I spent only three years teaching you?"

"Come on, I wasn't so bad."

"Enough about it," the scarred man decided not to answer. It was safer. "Say, what was your trip like?" The blonde launched into a long tale of hardly-believable adventures. Iruka sometimes interrupted with a question. Then he heard something so ridiculous that it took a while for it to register in his brain.

"What did you say?"

"What?" The kunoichi blinked. "Gamatatsu accidentally drank some of Ero-sennin's sake and..."

"No, before that," he corrected.

"You mean about the lady in the hot springs?" Naruto asked.

"No, before that."

"Oh, you mean the practical lesson?"

"Yes, the so-called practical lesson," the teacher confirmed with a scowl. "I hope that old lecher didn't..."

"Oh, yes, he did," Naruto nodded with a huge grin.

"How irresponsible of him! Doesn't he know what could have happened? I swear that man..."

"Oh, but it happened," the blonde interrupted Iruka's tirade.

"What?"

"That's right, I'm going to have a baby."

The chuunin gave of enough Killing Intent to scare a Kage.

In a little cave Jiraiya was using to hide from Tsunade, the Toad Sage felt the chill of approaching doom.

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End notes: That's it (for now.) I might or might not write the reactions of other people (if I feel like writing it).


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

**Just what did you expect 3**

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"Kakashi-sensei!"

The silver-haired jounin raised his head from his favorite orange book. He spotted one of his kunoichi students running towards him. He had to admit she grew up nicely since he last saw her.

"Oh, Naruto," he replied lazily, his gaze returning to his preferred reading material. "Long time no see."

"Long time no see?" she echoed. "You haven't seen me for three years, three whole years! And this is all you have to say to me? You should at least show some enthusiasm."

"Oh, should I?" he raised his eyebrow, but not his eye. "I don't know. This is a very interesting book and I don't like being disturbed while reading."

"Well then, Kakashi-sensei," the golden-haired girl shrugged like she wasn't concerned at all. "I thought I would give you my present now, but since you didn't miss me, I think I'd keep this for myself." She waved a thick green book teasingly. The jounin looked up when he glimpsed the title.

"New Icha-Icha book?" His heart beat faster with excitement.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"How comes I haven't heard abut it?"

"It will hit the stores next month," Naruto explained. "I thought that because you're my sensei, I'll give you one in advance, and what's more, this one has the author's autograph and dedication," now Kakashi was salivating, but his mask concealed it, "but if you aren't even interested in your own student..." She turned around and began walking away, still holding the book teasingly.

"Wait, Naruto," Kakashi cried in desperation. There was nothing he wouldn't do for the love of his life. "So how was your trip?"

"I'm glad you asked," the girl smiled and launched into a lengthy tale. To Kakashi's credit, he listened to it without looking into his book once.

Then came the part of the story that got such a strong emotional reaction from everybody who had heard it. And Kakashi was no exception.

"Oh really?" Kakashi perked up. "You and Jiraiya? That's so hot! Will it be in the next Icha-Icha?"

Later that day, Kakashi joined Jiraiya in the ICU.

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A.N.: Sorry, Kakashi-fans. I didn't mean to bash Kakashi, but once I thought about this, I couldn't help but write it. And besides, if everybody got the same reaction, it would get boring soon.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: I bet you didn't believe it's actually going to happen, but here's another chapter of this little story. Yes, it isn't dead (yet). Though this is my slowest updating story, I'm not abadoning it. I still have some ideas what to put into the next chapter, so the next update might come sooner than this (maybe). So now enjoy the story and, if you can be bothered, leave a review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I don't understand why do I have to write it. Or does somebody seriously think I'm Kishimoto?

**Just what did you expect?**

"I'm back!" The shout snapped Sakura out of her concentration and the kunai she had been sharpening slipped and scratched her leg.

"Naruto!" she shouted angrily. "Do you always have to do this?"

"Do what?" the blond girl asked innocently. Her wide blue eyes looked so clueless that if Sakura didn't know her better, she would have fallen for it.

"Sneak up on people!" the purple-haired kunoichi answered while healing the cut. It just wouldn't do if it scarred. Then Sasuke-kun might not find her attractive and pick another girl to restore the Uchiha clan with. Maybe even Naruto. It wasn't implausible, the two were always at each other's throats, and, as Sakura knew from reading countless romance novels, that was a sure sign of attraction or maybe even love. She shuddered at the thought. Losing Sasuke-kun to her tomboyish teammate, that was a thought too terrible to bear.

"And why shouldn't I?" the teammate in question asked, still a perfect picture of innocence. "I'm a ninja, so I'm supposed to sneak around."

"You startled me into cutting myself," Sakura pouted. There, now, her leg was healed. All the training under Tsunade-shishou was good for something after all. Now Sasuke-kun won't be able to resist her dashing looks and won't even look at Naruto. Though, looking at the other kunoichi, she had grown into quite a beauty while she was away. Sakura ruefully looked at her own chest. It couldn't compare to Naruto's. Yep, she'd have to try hard if she wanted to best the blonde. Maybe she should ask Tsunade about her secret, though the Sannin might not want to divulge the secret of her perfect cleavage.

"That's your problem," the blue-eyed girl shrugged. "You are a ninja too, so you aren't supposed to let other people sneak up on you, especially if they weren't even trying. What would Tsunade-baa-chan say if she heard about it?" The pinkette paled. She knew exactly what would the Hokage have to say to this: special training. Lots and lots of special training. Her whole body still ached from the latest lesson and that had been a week ago.

"So what's new?" she asked, changing the topic. "How was your trip like? Learned any awesome jutsu? Met any handsome boys?"

"Well..." Naruto blushed.

"You did?" Sakura nearly squealed. Maybe the other girl had fallen in love and wouldn't compete with her for Sasuke anymore. The fact that she never did was irrelevant, anything female was competition in Sakura's eyes. "What is he like? Is he at least half as cool as Sasuke-kun?"

"He and Sasuke can't really compare," Naruto answered. Then she suddenly snapped. "And I don't even like him."

"You don't like him?" Sakura questioned, a bit confused. "So why did you blush? And who is he?"

"Well," the foxy girl scratched her head nervously, "it's a bit complicated."

"How complicated?" the pink-haired girl asked.

"Well... you see..."

"Come on," Sakura prompted when Naruto was too slow to answer. "You're usually so talkative. What's so bad that you can't tell it even to your teammate?"

"Well, everybody I told it to so far reacted kinda... violent."

"Violent? Now I'm really curious. What is it?" Sakura's eyes lit up with eagerness. She had been always a sucker for good gossip.

"Well, if you have to know..." Naruto took a deep breath. "IsleptwithJiraiyaandnowI'mgoingtohavehisbaby."

"What was that? I didn't quite catch it," the pink-haired girl said. Actually she did catch the message, but she couldn't believe it. Her ears must have been deceiving her. There was no way that could be true.

"I slept with Jiraiya and now I'm going to have his baby," the blond kunoichi repeated slowly.

So it was true! Inner Sakura was doing a victory dance. _**She's out! She's out! She can't take Sasuke-kun from us!**_ Sakura completely agreed. Her face broke into a huge grin.

"You're going to have a baby? That's wonderful! Is it a boy or a girl? Or do you even know? When is he going to be born? What are you going to name him?"

"Whoa, slow down," Naruto replied, looking more than a bit confused. "You aren't angry?"

"Why should I be?" Sakura questioned. Now it was her turn to look confused. Why should she ever be angry to learn that her strongest competition had just disqualified herself from the contest for Sasuke-kun's heart? "So when is the wedding going to be?"

"Wedding?" the orange-loving girl was taken aback.

"Yes, now you're going to have a baby, you should get married soon. Did you think about the wedding gown yet? I think you should wear..."

"Slow down!" Naruto interrupted her. "Whoever said anything about a wedding? I'm not marrying that pervert, pregnant or not."

"But you really should," Sakura suggested. That way she would be even more out of the way. "And where is the happy father?"

"The ICU."

"What?" Sakura's eyes widened like saucers. "What happened?"

"As I said, other people didn't take the news as well as you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Happy New Year to everyone. Twice happy to everyone who reviews. Here I humbly present to you the next chapter of my story. I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It will probably be a long time before I update again.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

**Just what did you expect?**

Kakashi slowly regained consciousness. He immediately wished he didn't. Every single part of his body hurt like hell. Strange. He didn't remember going on any dangerous missions lately. Certainly none that could leave him feeling like this. So what did happen to him? The last thing he could remember was talking to his student, Naruto.

He slowly opened his eye. A white ceiling slowly came into focus. It didn't take him long to recognize it as belonging to the Intensive Care Unit of the Konoha Hospital. So he had been wounded badly. But how did it happen? He was just talking to Naruto and then she told him... and then he asked... and then... Oh, now he remembered how did it happen. He scowled. Ungrateful students.

"So you are finally awake?" a familiar voice asked from close by. He turned his head and saw Jiraiya sitting on the next bed, bandaged from head to toe, but still scribbling diligently in his notebook.

"Jiraiya-sama! What happened to you?" Kakashi exclaimed.

"Tsunade-hime happened," the Sannin answered. "She wasn't as glad to hear the news as I thought. And what happened to you?"

"Naruto happened," the jounin replied with a grimace.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear it. It seems like her hormones are going haywire already."

"Yes," the one-eyed man nodded sadly. "I don't understand why she would have done it otherwise. It was just an innocent question."

"That's the mystery of womenfolk," Jiraiya sighed sagely. "You can never know what is going through their heads, you can only observe and wonder."

"Too true," Kakashi nodded. "And she didn't even answer me."

"Women tend to get like that with personal questions."

"It wasn't even personal. I just asked about your next book," the masked ninja complained.

"She never liked them," Jiraiya shook his head sadly. "I don't understand why. So what did you want to know?"

"I wanted to know whether it's in the book she gave me. You know, you two."

"No," the Super-Pervert shook his head, "it was already at the publisher's by that time, but it's going to be in the next one."

"Really?" Kakashi perked up. The excitement was enough to make him forget about the pain from his injuries.

"Really," the Toad Sage nodded. "It's been such a great inspiration I'm still writing about it."

"Can I read it?" the jounin didn't even notice that he was now sitting on his bed and some of the tubes sticking from his body were threatening to fall out.

"And just what do you think you are doing?" an all too familiar voice interrupted them.

"Tsunade-hime!" Jiraiya grinned. "So nice of you to join us."

Kakashi only blinked. He didn't even notice the Hokage enter. The busty woman walked over to him and pushed him down on the bed. Jiraiya watched it intently and scribbled furiously into his notebook while Tsunade adjusted all the tubes on Kakashi's body and performed a quick examination.

"Everything is healing well," she announced.

"Really? But everything hurts," the silver-haired man objected.

"Well," Tsunade shrugged, "the painkillers are expensive and the budget for the hospital is tight, so we give them only to the patients who really need them."

"But I do need them. I have multiple fractures," Kakashi argued.

"Me too, and massive internal injuries," Jiraiya added, not looking up from his writing.

"There are people who need them much more," the legendary medic informed him.

"Like who?" Kakashi asked.

"Like the old lady who broke her hip. The genin who got caught in his own trap. The child who scraped his knee. The girl with the stomach ache."

"Those aren't serious injuries!" Kakashi protested. "They don't need the painkillers!"

"Don't they?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "I am the one who decides who needs them and I decided that you aren't getting any."

"So cold, Tsunade-hime," Jiraiya sighed.

"But you seem to be hot. Aren't you running a fever?" The Super-Pervert immediately recognized the dangerous tone in her voice.

"I'm fine, really," he answered. Ignoring him, the blonde walked over to him and peeked into his notebook. The change in her demeanor was immediate. For somebody who didn't know her as well as Jiraiya, nothing would be apparent, but because the Toad Sage did know her, he nearly wet himself. Tsunade was _pissed_.

"It seems like you are running quite a fever," she stated.

"No, I'm perfectly fine," the heavily bandaged man objected.

"I'm the doctor here!" the Hokage snapped. "And if I say you have fever, then you have fever. And you have a nasty one. That might indicate infection in your wounds. And it seems resistant to regular remedies. Fortunately I have just developed a new one, I just didn't have the opportunity to test it properly. The last batch had some unpleasant side-effects, especially when applied to males, but I've tweaked the formula since then. That should have taken care of the worst side-effects. Probably. And I'm nearly certain it didn't cause new ones. Maybe."

The other Sannin gulped. This really didn't sound good.

"Isn't it a bit harsh?" Kakashi asked. Jiraiya rolled his eyes. Didn't Hatake learn anything?

"Now that I look at you, you look a bit feverish too," Tsunade mused aloud.

"You just said I was healing well!" Kakashi reminded her.

"I performed only a quick exam, some problems might have gone unnoticed," she informed him.

"I'm sure a medic as competent as you would never do such mistake," the jounin tried to talk his way out.

"Even the best of the medics cannot be sure enough. I'm bringing the medicine for the both of you. And that's final." She turned on her heel and left.

"Now do you see what you have brought upon yourself?" Jiraiya chastised him the moment the door slammed close. "It looks like hiding your mouth isn't enough. You should wear a gag with the mask too."

"And it looks like breaking your arms isn't enough. Did you still have to write in front of her? You could have spared yourself a lot of pain," Kakashi retorted. Jiraiya grinned.

"Pain is the second best inspiration."

"What is the first one?"

"Women."


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